Mistake

I hit "new post" by mistake, but I'm here. So Alana's appointment with the gi doc weighs heavily on my mind. I try to stay away from assuming something is wrong with her, I try to look at her with eyes that everything is good and yet I keep running into things that are definitely not right. I look forward yet dread this appointment. I want it over with, I just want to be told that I'm insane and obsessed about my daughter and she's fine, that's all I'm willing to hear. I look back on missed opportunities to further investigate this "problem" and it hurts my stomach to think about.

I love my little girl, I love her so much, I pray to God above that she is okay and it will all be okay.

Toby parachutes tomorrow from a C-130 and I'm not worried about him, just her. Going to go to bed now and watch her sleep.

Here you go Amy...

Writing isn't my thing. I can handle status updates on facebook and even those sometimes force me to give considerable thought before posting so this is far worse for me.

Dorthea Ray died yesterday. I have went to school with her since probably 3rd grade. I was not very close to her, but friends enough with her that it saddens me greatly. When I got on facebook I probably had more conversations with her than I did most of our childhood. Dorthea was smart, she was ambitious and she wasn't the type to let her illnesses keep her back. She dreamed of love, she dreamed of going somewhere in life, and she truly cared about others. I am still in shock and almost numbed at the news that she has passed. I can't manage to focus on anything and have read her facebook profile inside out to learn more about the girl who died too young.

Other than that dismal news life seems to be in limbo for me right now. We are going to Fort Polk, oh we may get out of it, no we are for sure going, oh no, we may get out of it again. In some ways we think of just closing out all other possibilities and just focusing on going, but the small possibility is a great one, both for Toby and for myself. I get frustrated when other military wives give me the "we gotta go where they go" and "this is the army life" lines and yes, that is true. But it's almost as if trying to do something that makes you and your family happy versus moving around like nomads is frowned upon. As if you have to pay your dues. I just try to keep in mind that they don't know my life situations and I do not know theirs. People are different.

Gatsby has made it to TN with us finally, after being in Alabama for over a year. He is needier than my kids and husband put together. Constantly barking at my door wanting me to go outside and just pet him ALL DAY LONG. I walk him twice a day now, I have more alone time with him than I do my own husband. We did discover some nearby farmland we walk to and that is good except for on days when I hear sirens I also hear coyotes very close by me when out there with him and that is creepy. I had enough coyote meetings in Alabama and I felt that they knew my presence there. Here I'm not so sure they are going to welcome me into their pack.

Well, must do something productive.

I may never write here again...

but thought that I would at least attempt to post one blog :). Not much of a writer, except for myself in my own journal, but that's a little different. Not everyone reads your journal.

So maybe, maybe not a blog...time will tell. I have a lot of time on my hands since hubby deployed. He left on September 26, 2007, it is now August 15, 2008. This breaks my heart because he has an 8 month old daughter he's never seen not to mention a little boy that still looks for his truck to drive up the road. I know everyone deals with deployments so I'm not unique or special in that sense, but still doesn't make the loneliness and sadness go away.

Well, enough for my non-blog, must get kiddos to bedos.